In some parallel universe , Angels were more curious to celebrate you in heaven. Though we miss all the celebrations and moments shared throughout the years, Please know we are thinking of you as we spend each day. We are trying hard to smile for you But, the eyes are palpable as if they can change a bit. Nothing else, I can only pen down the wishes and the oozing emotions for you on your birthday. Taking no clouds of thought, I would request them to frost a cake for you and allow us to send the reverbrent claps for you- Happy Birthday C.A. Vikas
The emotions flood out, when it comes to you, Each cup of tea recalls you, and every pie of sweet remembers you, The morning and the nights are always on a roller-coaster, though the day crawls with all feebleness, And I don’t know when to say goodbye!
When you walk out the door, or when you are gone from me, when you no longer call my name, or when I no longer hear you call when the pictures loose colors, and you are not sitting by me, or when the pictures loose colors and I still relive those memories, I don’t know when to say Goodbye!
When you talk all with your eyes, or when I want to speak limitlessly, the chatting goes on amidst the silence, and it gets stop then with a long pause, searching for the reactions and the responds, And I don’t know when to say goodbye.
When I crossby the temple on the street and it holds with uncertainty to my feet, How to say and what to ask there, Wishes for the best and the healing forever, or when an ambulance crosses my way, and I wish , it might come taking back to you the smile turns into grief and the grief converts into fear, Leaving the pen in between like how to convey so far because legs shiver, the stomach aches, the throat sores and the eyes tears , And I don’t know when to say Goodbye!!
And then… The rapid-fire of thoughts were running on various tracks. And Then… The Dictionary was blank! And Then… Words fell short! And Then… It was unseen! untold! Unsaid! And Then… The pain was consistent with the juggling-balancing act! And then… They were wrong, it didn’t heal with time, it got deeper inside the heart!…
In some parallel universe , Angels were more curious to celebrate you in heaven. Though we miss all the celebrations and moments shared throughout the years, Please know we are thinking of you as we spend each day. We are trying hard to smile for you But, the eyes are palpable as if they can…
One of my cousins posted her status yesterday, “why did you leave us? It’s been one year and I miss you badly”. A mother was trying hard to control her emotions for her 10 year old daughter who was born autistic. A specially abled child with no capacity of speaking, walking, or even to see…
One of my cousins posted her status yesterday, “why did you leave us? It’s been one year and I miss you badly”. A mother was trying hard to control her emotions for her 10 year old daughter who was born autistic. A specially abled child with no capacity of speaking, walking, or even to see the world was as precious as any of the children for the mother. My cousin had always been engulfed in taking care of her daughter for ten years yet she missed Siddhi each and every day, even after a year like any other mother would do to her child. I saw the status and I repeatedly checked it and stuck to the thought how easy it is for us to advise and to judge and toughest would have been for the person to accept the loss. # no time heals the pain#
And I held the buzzer tightly when the radiologist asked me to press it if I felt any discomfort or uneasiness during the contrast MRI. What if my BP got higher among these horrible sounds, I thought, as it was already not settled after getting a cannula injected in my hand and I could not even leave the buzzer loose for almost a couple of hours. The scenario of the MRI was leading me nostalgic and a heavy heart was forced to recall, how a person would have been managed multiple times in these hours- who couldn’t speak of his irritability and who could never demand an attendee inside the MRI room like I did. #nostalgia never ends #
Because the picture frame is near her study chair, she told me that very night after studying , “Mumma, your child is not going to spoil”(Apka baccha bigdega nai). Ohh; Ok, smiled I. But she insisted that I ask, “why”. Hmm, and I allowed her to proceed with my instinct only. “Because Papa is watching continuously from there”, replied the subliminal voice and brought me into a thousand amalgamation. #some questions are always unanswered#
Today is one of the most memorable days since 2006 , when we tied the knot with each other . From the first look to the smiles shared; from the shyness to the blushes,from the chit-chat converted to the endless chatting and from tiny fights to understanding infinite, We kept on living the promises of matrimony. The times of testing and hardships turned it into even stronger bonding. It never mattered to us to have you on a wheelchair or on a bed. What always mattered was to have you with us.
Then there came the time that we never imagined.The word that terrified us the most , Death: the term we are highly scared of and the truth we always want to experience as a lie. And the toughest of the times came, after we have dealt with it actually. No perspective, no suggestions, no advice and no reflection brings inner peace and contentment. #14 years of wedlock captured 4 years of recuperation and evolution within# # Healing, love and blessings to your way# # It’s our day!!
“Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly, We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death, But had thought they were different; this Birth was Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death. We returned to our places, these kingdoms, But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation, With an alien people clutching their Gods. I should be glad of another death.”
— T. S. Eliot
The words are taking me through the tides and whirlpool of emotions that are inexplicable and inexpressible for me. Not knowing how to begin and put my emotions.
The plethora of questions are left unanswered since the day you homed to heaven. I have been holding myself since morning, walking irresistible from your room to kitchen and then again to the room. Your presence in front of my eyes, is eloquent in the silence today. I was obsessed with YOU and I still am.
I was into scenes of all the moments that were making me busy and my life worth. My biggest fear of losing you was my greatest strength to save you, but we couldn’t. My experiences have become a strong memory and there comes a time when these memories become so rich that they overpower the present as if heavy clouds are ready to rain. Today has been one such day again, after one month. Yes, counting the days is not worth but the date has an automatic reminder.
Your silent eyes wanted to pour all the unsaid things, you wanted to say a lot in unknown ways while having no voice. But unlike me, you would have settled with your smile and heart. Often in the early morning my loud mixer grinder would make people aware that I was in my kitchen getting almonds ready for you, while it was a peace of mind for you that I was awaken.
And then started, Rimjhim Rimjhim “, my name in your call in hushed tone, from asking to switch on the TV and to order me to sit there for having my tea in that room only. Caring and pampering for Jiya was never less in form of reminding me all the times of classes and homework. You would ask every now and then about her. With love, she served you so well in all these years. You were always proud with no doubt upon her. Memories of all the years I treasure so well but it can not replace you. Jovial me, whenever winked at you , your face full of attitude told me not to go mad. But me and you , the poles apart yet together never could have been stopped my bla – bla – bla stuff. The combination of your maturity and my ecstasy imparted me the strength unknowable. It shall wipe my tears and would take us to cross the river.
Involving in all the household chores to manage medication and combing your hairs to stylized myself , monitoring parameters to wrapping gifts , and making healthy soups to baking sumptuous cakes,all was going simultaneously with full zeal and passion. You and me, We were always ready with the surprises so that the enthusiastic Jiya could not feel low down. But as they say, “HE has always greater plans than we make”.
You endured so much pain but you never left the will to live. You have been as strong as storm and you shall guide us in all the pathways. I know, words shall not pacify the pain you would have felt the last day, words would not heal my anger for something I slipped from my hands. All acceptable with grace but not death. Nothing can be worst than death. A lot more than this, not all could be penned but living what all learnt and then progressing. The lines below a friend shared with me and I relate to them and feel connected as if only written for me: –
“Suffering up close is so different from afar, it’s the supreme test in life, to show what strengths there are. Will I have the strength, to watch the pain I do not bare, and help another through her cross which she does not want to share. Can I help her make it through the night, until the dawn appears, and will I be able to comfort her and wipe away her fears? Yes, suffering up close is so different from afar, You know when you’ve been through it, when your heart wears sorrows scar.”
The story moved forward and my pen got left behind. The series of events are getting interconnected and I am not able to weave the web. The repeated admission in the ICU of different hospitals is pushing me in the depth of knowing the individuals and the waiting time on the canteen table is getting longer and longer.
The emergency doctor who came along with the ambulance in the morning, told me that Vicky’s condition was critical, both his pulses were off and the treatment couldn’t be started right away in the ambulance. Poured out in tears, we hurried to reach the ICU as soon as possible.
Surprised with shock I was. Two out of every ten thousand people! Rightly they said, the rarest of rare case is this of Vikas. Meningoencephalitis with an unknown virus led to osteomyelitis in four years. And that very morning I saw Vicky losing almost everything. My heart rate could not be normal for many days and it forced me to write Browning’s words, “For who knows the world may end tonight “.
That evening, the bone piece came out from the bedsore and the whole night went into suctioning and monitoring the parameters. Early in the morning he was dehydrated and the blood pressure had dropped. Low blood pressure is common for a person who was bed bound but 50/34 with the saturation 72 and no clinical response with flowy secretions on the chest would definitely take the breath away of any caregiver … and I was not an exception.
I was more in trepidation as Vikas was discharged before two days only after the admission of eleven days from the same renowned hospital. He was discharged with Bi pap (to support the breath) and the concentrator (oxygen support) machines as doctors suspected the lungs infection was consistent. Ideally, this was not the right time for discharge, but probably they left the hope before me.
Sometimes I question myself whether it is ever possible to become free from the emotional pain in this life. Throughout the whole life we continue to learn to live and it amazes me more that we continue to learn to die as well, especially when we can do nothing but become a silent observer.
Vikas was again discharged after a week from the same hospital, again by a new doctor. When a person is admitted in ICU, it combines the team work of senior doctors, duty doctors and nursing caretakers. The absolute mismanagement and a lack of coordination, combined with sheer negligence was at display when I noted that they had missed three doses of high antibiotics which were to be completed for seven days and it would be fully ineffective to cure the infection. And yet, my observation supported with full proof was not enough to tell them that it might be detrimental for his life to crack the jokes.
Unsure of the reason, Vicky could again manage only two days at home , and once again we had to rush in hustle bustle to the hospital casualty. As usual Vikas was advised to be admitted in ICU, though we reached there informing the ICU doctor, luck did not accompany us and after waiting for three hours in emergency, they denied a bed in ICU. Luck was always with us until it was a game of destiny, so we entered in the casualty of a renowned tertiary where many of the faces were acquainted to me or to some the vice- versa. Awaited result of RT-PCR imposed four more hours of waiting and the ICU doors were finally open for us at 2:30 am (at night), the same time when we left home in the day. I was sleep deprived by the time and was losing my capacity to stand, though not for the waiting.
I was keen to summarize the last twenty two days in two minutes because the continued hospitalization was becoming increasingly difficult for us but the gentleman insisted to rely more on the discharged summary which is sometimes not real and lacking in correct and detailed information. Firmed he was for not listening to a non-medico and assured I was that they would call me once I got down the stairs from the fourth floor. So I opted to continue my wait for some more time as riding towards the home on a winter dawn (3:30 am) was not a good idea. Unaware of the next prognosis, I took a deep breath of hope, threw-back before three years, this was the same place from where the journey of recuperation was started.
In full trust, I waited patiently for four days for any positive response to cross by through my eyes or ears. It did not happen. I kept meeting with a new doctor each day with new treatment. The condition of Vikas was not getting better but deteriorating. Investigations and inotropic supports were not less than a game.
“Commercial” is a very fancy word nowadays, people use knowingly or unknowingly for the multi-speciality hospital. Blessed I was that I never got confronted with this commercialization in these years. It was not so because we have medical insurance but fortunately, we had a doctor who could act like ” one man army”. So when I once requested him to call the dermatologist for Vikas, he told me, we as a doctor must know what we need to refer and where to interfere. I was satisfied by the answer.
Unparalleled this time, in the same hospital, the neurologist, the cardiologist, the orthopedic, the ” plastic surgeon”, the otolaryngology with the investigation of MRI brain, the ECG, the holter monitoring, the contrast MRI brain, the EEG, the CT scan of pelvis, x-rays and innumerable blood tests were performed, and the funny thing was that no one seemed concerned for the results and reports after sending the tests.
One week passed by in this hospital and one month in these three admissions. Vikas wanted to go home eagerly and so was I counting the days. But oblivion of the real situation, once again I became the witness of negligence and carelessness. For forty minutes I observed the heart rate of thirty three. I requested thrice to the nurse for the treatment to save him from any perilous part. The nurses, being the minor coins of the chess, told me that the doctors knew about it and they had no orders to follow. Ohh! My instincts had no good intuitions and I touched the legs of Vikas that were icy chilled. I asked the nurse to please start the warmer that was being used for another patient, I was told by the nurse. Amidst all this hassle, Vikas rolled his eyes upwards, stopped talking while telling that he was feeling cold and as a helpless spectator, I left the ICU with a heavy heart.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
by Jesus (Matthew 5:5), I read somewhere in the hospital.
PART 2
But meekness might have proved to be a weakness at that time and I called the senior doctor who took the safe side by telling me that he had already left the hospital and I could meet with another one . Again I started waiting and continued waiting for hours as I was told that the doctor had gone to a meeting and sharing his phone number was not allowed. Whenever I was waiting there in the hospital for multiple reasons, Jiya was all the time waiting at home only for one reason. “What if I meet the doctor?” I thought. Probably I was troubling myself a bit unnecessary and I left for home. But it was not unnecessary. I was restless and puzzled even after coming home . I called the ICU and akin to my intuitions , the nurse replied, Vikas was having a lower heart rate since 3′ o’clock and at 4:30 he had a seizure and he was put on ventilator. What the hell were you people waiting for? I cried slowly and disconnected the call.
Epitome of courage, knowledge and sacrifice, we regard the doctors highly. Ridiculous! Yet the moment was, when the senior consultant of ICU questioned me the next day, what can we do? You tell me!. What should we do? And I was murmuring inside without any voice that inject atropine or adrenaline or simply a warmer to keep him warm. But no, it was not my domain to decide the treatment. Doctor continued, Vikas was having autonomic dysfunction and seizure and all these things are common for him. I wanted to shout if the problems are common for the patient, handling and attending the crisis at time must be common for a doctor or the staff in ICU. But I managed to recollect myself and could only say: he is not looking well, he was not at all looking well. Nevertheless it was needed to be unendingly submissive in ICU though not respectful this time.
Podling with heavy legs from ICU to parking, the thoughts were entangled in itself and worried, if Vikas was in safe hands?
The jigsaw puzzle became more complicated when the dear plastic surgeon and I got confronted in ICU where he came to convince me for the treatment imposed by him….though he was playing his role since Vikas was admitted. This was one of the strongest reasons why I started to scribble on this post. Overheard once by a surgeon only, “A good surgeon knows when to operate, a better surgeon is someone who knows how to operate and the best surgeon is one who knows when NOT to operate.” Seemingly oblivious to this theory, the surgeon was keen to do the debridement (small surgery) of the wound. Being a lay person I could not get much about the medical science that he was trying hard to fit in my mind but being a victim of destiny, I could definitely read the eyes of a person. These circumstances broaden our vision and I could understand only that it was not the right time of surgery according to the condition of Vikas. It was a 1 minute 43 seconds talk where I could only say, “Vikas is doing worse, he had a seizure and has been on ventilator since yesterday.” No no…he is fine now and tomorrow we can plan it…Genius mind was at work and he left the cabin of Vikas. I looked towards Vicky and then to the plastic surgeon. I felt high pity not upon Vicky but upon that scholar person who applied charges for this talk just to convince his evil plans!
This evidence had left a print in front of my eyes and it made me feel like if I sign a consent for the surgery, it would be nothing but a murder.
PART 3
I was firm and spur at the moment for not letting the evil plans materialize but I didn’t know how, when, or where so I chose to meet a senior critical care doctor who are assumed as Jack of all. Poor me, never knew that I was a spider in the whole web. Sir, when can we plan the surgery? I asked assuming as a guardian to him as Vicky was a patient of critical care. “Tomorrow, bedsore is the reason for all the complications. If this was the right time, I questioned and the answer was, yes: he will deteriorate after the surgery, he will come on a ventilator, the condition would be worse but we would handle it, that’s our work. Ohh ! Wow! I had been grateful for his honesty but those who didn’t use their knowledge and experience in the patient’s favour since 8 days, what magic will they do after knowingly putting him in a significantly worse situation. And the same surgeon who once prescribed 6 eggs in a day to a vegetarian bedridden person and after the effect, when Vikas had severe loose motions, he advised me to go to gastroenterologist instead prescribing a simple “enterogermina”( Probiotic), there was no point to trust them. I had to leave the hospital. I was scared with the double faces. Vikas was getting semi conscious but was still waiting to go back home and that hope was my strength. When he was not tired by enduring so much pain, how could I be tired from tiny trials. I booked a tele-consultation the same day to a doctor where humanity still exists. Where patient care is always the top most priority, where the doctors are professional with ethics and it supported me to stand on my ground.
We accept the axiom, there is always a cause and then the effect. Amidst all these and those, 19th December,21,we could manage to enter in a hospital of ‘Jesus’ and my ecstasy was reaching to its heights when our well- known doctor moved towards Vicky. Unfortunately it was not the end of my BUTs.
Shall be continued…
Until it was a trauma brought by destiny, we won. Indubitably at times, it became the drama created by humanity, and we were defeated. On 24th January 2021, God took him by His side.
On 5th February 2017 we forced Vikas to be admitted to hospital and on 5th February 2021 his soul shall be resting in heavenly abode, leaving behind loving memories forever in our hearts.
The thumbreading for the recovery of an ICU patient is 1:3, they told me . This means if a person is in ICU for one day, the time to get recover is three days. Calculating in my mind and whispering to myself, I multiplied, six months with three and prepared myself for a long recuperation period of 18 months. Though 18 months crossed 3 times in the period of recovery …
While I was immersed in thinking on these, the birthday of Vikas came, unlike previous years where sometimes we had been in the hospital, this time being at home gives me peace within. Jiya baked the cake without my help and while I was reading the messages that poured and showered on his birthday, I was in a state of reverie , as if walking in the lanes of the past since we got married and how life has changed in all these years since he got admitted.
On a talk when I giggle loud, Vikas just smiles a bit, giving his confirm, If he likes something and approves of it. While I love to express everything through gala celebrations and adornments of varied kinds, he would subtly and softly say what he has to in the simplest of words and sometimes would hardly say what he has in his heart and mind. I wonder how poles apart we are, yet holding hands in this oneness. An introvert, a doting father , a loving and caring husband, a loyal person who loves his work and organization, a shy and deep friend, always ready to help, a son and a brother who is always way ahead in everything that he could offer and give what he has. A role model, an ideal and inspiration to many. When my friends visited my home, he would give us time to talk endlessly and share what all our hearts bottled up. While I would serve and embrace the moments through smiles , love , care and capturing everything through my camera, he would ensure silently, I am absorbed into those moments. He and Jiya would have their own world where he would talk, teach and ask her all the places that she would want to visit and what would she do when she grows young. Holding her in his filial love , wherein they would have their time in togetherness, he would give me all the freedom to be myself. Like every year, this year too, shall be a blast, a carnival , where we, with you and the entire family shall join, pray, love, care, sing, dance and eat the sumptuous meals galore through the virtual zoom meet that shall fulfill us to the core .
And then suddenly, amidst all these, the thought rushed, I multiplied, six months into three…means, 18 months need to be normal, I breathed deep and looked towards a colleague, standing besides me and said, it’s ok bhaiya; though it’s more than one year but we will delete this year from our life…simple!
Moving out in the face of fear, we call courage and simple what I thought became the most challenging. Forgetting everything now, I am decorating the walls with balloons of all colours, the table has been set by all the favorites of Vikas and Jiya. In the centre is the cake . The candle is spreading the light. Aroma of dishes is scent of my home that fulfills me. Presence of Mummy and Papa this year is a blessing. Happiest Birthday Vikas. With you in this moment.
Embarked was the dawn on 1st May 2009, When you came here from womb to world to be mine,
Sparkling, lightening, and brightening all around; An angel was in my arms; to be found.
Papa proudly called you “Jiya”, a heart’s pie, Surely Jiya! You are an apple of our eye.
No! But you didn’t confine yourself till here, Not to be meant only simple sweet and sobre; Manasvi! You defined yourself with this, Sensible and self controlled apparently you turned with.
Drooling and giggling, Bubbles and laughters, Embraced, absorbed, engulfed with you, we all were; In the pranks and the perks that were sung by you, Imagination and ambition crafted something new.
Daughter! A perfect blending of the Godsend, A palette, you explored yourself with no end; The recitation, the skating, the karate or the dance, You even tried your hands best upon baking and arts.
Yeah! These are the gems added to your charm, Manasvi! You are beyond all these… When you stretch from my arms.
Live the life your way! We say, You miss the things today, you know, I know, they know; With compassion, sympathy, love and kindness you grow.
For there is life waiting for you with its open arms, To take you to “the road less traveled” with high aplomb;
Today you turn eleven, nothing I have to say; My wishes and blessings come true, that’s what I forever pray, Drenched in the closet of my heart may you always shine; The sky looks nearer when you try to fly.
Closest I am to you my princess, for you complete my world!!
Three years and the dates still dwell in the core of my heart. 5th February 2017, and the convulsion that took place in our life still revolves around my eyes, giving me goosebumps. The conversation in the morning with Vikas, “Where is the tea? I can’t see anything,” indicated me for some medical requirement but not giving me hint, it would go to such an extent.
Life is an oxymoron for me and probably for all of us. Things go parallel with contradictions. The joy and the sorrow, the giggle and the grief, the harmony and the harshness and many such duets.
7th February, again was shocking to us because in the early morning we were informed that Vikas was put on the ventilator and the news was none the less a volcanic shock. Then again on 15th February, a call from ICU informed that vikas opened his eyes in the morning and the doctor called me inside .
Though it was just a blink of the eye after a hard pain stimulation, it worked as a ray of hope for all of us. People were calling me and congratulating me the whole day and it forced me to think with a smile, how great Vikas earned in these few days !
Dates and so many dates I was cramming up with every new medical issue and then the most awaited day, the discharge day; 1st July 2017 became a turning point for us. Since July 2017 onwards, we started facing almost everything new and involved ourselves to get a person back to his normal life. When I write “WE,” it’s not a family of four only, it includes a huge number of people who always stand by us in their best way possible. So most of the time, we all have been working upon the behavioural therapy to get rid of a bedridden life.
Daring and challenging it was for me to face the roads when I started taking him for evening ride on wheel chair but could carry on as one of my friends was taking her two years kid on tricycle and there were others who matched the speed of our wheels. I remember if a senior citizen came across our way anytime, I could see the empathy and compassion overloaded in their eyes and the blessings with their words, leaving me speechless with resilience.
And 26 January 2018, we first time faced a social gathering in the central park of Iffco colony. Though people were meeting Vikas now and then, it became a grand surprise entering in the surriel ambience ready for the Republic Day Celebration. The anchor announced, ”once again the fighter Vicky Vikas is with us” and the vast ground in a foggy morning reverberated with deep boom of the claps. The assembly was overwhelmed with emotions of joy and love, we were just brimful with this warmth reception.
So if sometimes the horrible horn of the ambulance echoes in my ears at midnight, the thunder of the claps also reverberates to cheer me up, often.
The seasons change and so do the years. Dates repeat itself with a very little change. My behaviour sometimes become truant as reaction. With the dates and the years, I have though gained my oceanic patience. While engaged in routine work of Vikas, on 1st July 2018: I heard the news,”GST ko poore huye ek saal, sarkaar mana rahi ha jashn” ,passed through my ears like, “it completes one year of discharge and, and what, still on bed!” A tear rolled over my cheek taking into dilemma of deplore or asking, for what should I applaud.
Often in the times that we live, we have to strive to survive, to perform, to work ,to achieve and to maintain a social environment wherein we perform at our peak and give our best. Yet there are times, we feel vulnerable and weak. The inner alignment stumbles. Roadblocks and challenges may come, we may fall and stumble but that’s what make the journey test our mettle to live with integrity, purpose and truth unshakable.
Three years of recovery, growth, success and many more to come. These all have been possible with all your blessings!!
And once more my own thoughts haunted me since overnight.
She called me and asked, “Do you recognize me? Bhabhi! I am Toshiba. How are you?” “Yes ,” replied I, recalling a graceful face whose voice was full of fears, confusions and doubts.
She continued, asking “Was bhaiya suffering from meningitis?” Not in a very affirming manner but I admitted; a kind of meningitis. “What happened, Toshiba?”
Often when an unexpected call rings in my mobile, querying about the condition of vikas, it offers remedies like following some guru ji on Himalaya or a Pandit ji in a cave ,or a baba ji in the village near by Haryana or Bihar or somewhere else who could cure and care the prognosis miraculously, I am grateful to them. But this time it was unlike the previous calls.
She further continued, “One of my sister- in-law’s has been admitted in ICU since three days, she is not conscious and doctors told of infection in her brain. And today when she opened her eyes, she was talking all irrelevant. She doesn’t remember the recent marriage she had attended.” Should we shift her somewhere else from Bihar?
Toshiba recited without any pause and I was listening her half heartedly though sympathetically . I could relate the situation similarly to 5th February 2017 but I kept on listening with so many other thoughts in my mind of past, present and future.
As soon as she told me that TB in the brain has been also diagnosed and initially her sister in law vomited full of buckets, the face of Ankita Singhal revolved around me who accompanied me in the ICU waiting area for more than one month and after observing to each other for more than 15 days, we could muster courage to console each other. She also told me the same diagnosis of her husband at that time.
Controlling my over processed emotions inside, I asked Toshiba; “Is the treating doctor a neurologist?”
“No, he is physician only.” She Replied. I inquired about the age of the patient, to which she replied, “39.” Same age of Vikas….I thought.
I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to tell her what they must do at this very point of time. I really wanted to console her that everything will get better. I also wanted to tell her what I went through and experienced. But I could not. As deep in my heart I know, everything doesn’t get better, everything never comes back the same as it once was.
Things change and gets better but not the way we want or expect them to be. All I could suggest to her was, “Please don’t get delayed to take a decision. Its complicated!”
I don’t know what better I could have advised her who called me being very hopeful. Being a non medico and a care giver, I can understand and can share the real feelings of fear and insecurities that doctors know but they don’t. They are bound to express only hopes.
After her call I stood stagnant, allowed my thoughts to roam and then wailed without any voice, “No! Not one more time…not one more person…not one more family!!”
While I was trying hard to deal with my own fights, Vikas again suffered with severe UTI and gram negative bacteria in ET. Doctor asked me to take him to the hospital to admit. In my low voice, I murmured; “sir, it’s too early to admit him again as since 25th November to 2nd December we were in ICU only for the same reason.” I discussed with him some treatments to be given at home and requested if we could wait for some time to be admitted in the hospital. And after managing for three days at home by myself, I couldn’t avoid to shift him in ICU today.
Every time I post a blog, I decide to articulate something different next time. But somehow life revolves around these ventures and my thoughts get exhausted inside if I don’t express. And still life does not confine till here only. So many things, people, events and incidents happen with us, around us surprisingly and mysteriously, to break us inside but to stand strongly against all odds.
Soon I recollected how on the day of discharge doctors and ICU staff was happier than us. The voice inside me confirmed, “Humanity does exist.” I smiled. My thoughts chuckled.
Bidding adieu to all those griefs and anguish that somehow dwell in our hearts and mind, with you all, I wish to enter in a new year 2020, with an open mind and a benign heart.
Kriti's Creation 